Saturday, December 15, 2012

My take on The Hobbit

Last night, my husband and I had dinner and a movie date night.   So, we flipped a coin to see who got to decide dinner and the movie.  I lost the call for picking the movie.   I knew my husband would pick  "The Hobbit".    Here is where the idea of compromise makes a good marriage.

Now before I ruffle the feathers of Tolkien fans, let me tell you why I already hate The Hobbit.     Long ago, way back in 1988, I sat in Mrs. Erwin's 3 rd period English class.    Mrs. Erwin was a good a teacher, but her taste in required reading material, to put it bluntly, SUCKED!  

I guess she thought 8th graders would appreciate a story that is packed with action, dwarfs, elves, wizards, strange creatures with hairy feet.  And maybe a majority of the 8th graders did and still do?  I don't know?  But, she got me and well,  I am a tough nut to crack. To me, the book was as dry as a popcorn fart.   I hated everyday, every page, and every sentence that I had to write in connection to The Hobbit. Then she forced that terrible Japanimation cartoon on us.  If you have never heard  Lenard Nimoy sing, torture yourself with this Hobbit flavored gem.  Sadly, not lost to the ages thanks to Youtube.    The hate and loathing of The Hobbit, has stuck with me.

So let's fast forward to Peter Jackson and his Tolkien love fest of films.  Sadly (?, possibly)  I married a man who loves them.    He drug me to see Return of the King, you can imagine my delight.     To quote one of Kevin Smith's master works, Clerks 2, " There is only one Return okay, and  it aint of the the's of the JEDI".  After seeing Clerks 2, I thank God, I am not the only person who felt the same way.   I spent 3 never ending hours, by the glow of my cell phone writing thank you notes during the film.   So, lets just say I came prepared with things to do by the glow of my cell phone.

When it comes to watching movies in the theater, my husband  is a bit like Dr. Sheldon Cooper.   If you aren't familiar with Sheldon's seat selection process, check out this youtube clip and you will understand what our seat selection process is like.  Okay, maybe not to the same extreme.  But, we have changed seats more then once to make sure we get the perfect spot.

We are all snuggled in our seats and the previews roll.  Dear God, how many crappy previews can you pack on before a movie??   I swear there was 30 minutes of previews!   I honestly can't remember any of them, because there wasn't one that I would even remotely want to pay money to see.  When the movies show up on HBO, I might watch one, but it is doubtful.   Don't get excited the next couple of months at movie theaters are going to be S---L---O---W.

The movie starts finally.   JOY! :/     I do compliment the set design  and costuming team.   They do an excellent job when it comes to set decoration and costuming.   These clearly are some of the best people working in film.   The attention to detail is beautiful and this is about the only good thing I can say from my point of view about the movie.

If you don't know the story, it is about Bilbo and an adventure that he is basically volunteered for.   It starts out with these dwarfs made homeless because a dragon (cue the Eddie Murphy voice from Mulan)    There is a scene where the dragon is swimming through these piles of gold.   I just busted out laughing because it reminded me of Uncle Scrooge swimming through his vault and I couldn't get the Duck Tales theme song out of my head after that.  

Much like the other Ring movies, the majority of the time, the characters and even the trees are walking.   In "The Hobbit", they  started out with horses but those are quickly lost and the characters  are walking the rest of the way.  

Gandalf is still smoking his "Old Toby" .  Puff, puff,  share Gandalf, which he does.  Because, Gandalf, Bilbo, the brown wizard, and few of the dwarfs are high as kites.     They get chased by orcs, the elves show up, the dwarfs end up in a cave and  ...Bilbo finds "the precious".   Enter Smigel/Gollum, the only character who might possibly have just as many or more personalities as Cybil.    

Well, guess what.... this is the point in which I fall asleep.    That's right, I fell asleep in the middle of "the Hobbit"!  I can hear all of you LOTR/Hobbit lovers, who proudly  whip out your Preciouses and sporting your elf ears, gasping for breath.    I missed the 20 logical ending points leading up to the end.   According to my husband,  the movie ends with the dragon waking up in his Scrooge McDuck piles of gold.

Am I looking forward to the next 2 Hobbit films? No!   not a fan and never will be....  I don't care how pretty they try to package it up.   No, I don't really want to give the book another try.   That ship sank and isn't going to be rediscovered.   For those of you who love the movies and books, good on you.   My wish is that Peter Jackson would learn to edit.   Hey Peter, I would like my $10.50 back.  Thanks!

It was still a great night all in all, I was happy with dinner.  My husband was happy with the movie.  We stopped for some ice cream on the way home.  All was good in the end.

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